In lieu of the recent stories about men eating other men’s faces off while resisting bullets and this guy cutting out his intestines and throwing them at law enforcement, it’s becoming more and more apparent that the zombie apocalypse that George Romero so graphically depicts is near. Bath salts can bear no blame for this; my ex-girlfriend surely would have chewed me to pieces, as she spent more time in a bathtub than in bed. No, friends, this is the work of an oncoming attempt at world takeover, and if Charles Darwin taught us anything other than everyone that lives in Arkansas came from monkeys and chimpanzees, we must adapt to survive.
With all this newly publicized evidence, I began to ponder how well I would fare against a planet full of zombies. As far as weaponry and ammunition, I am adequately prepared. Transportation? No problem. I have already mapped out in my head which houses on my block have the biggest vehicles with the most storage. I am fairly certain that I will have access to anything my neighbors have, because they’re all idiots and they will be some of the first ones to go, so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with occasionally peeking into their homes late at night to assess what types of resources I will have readily available close to home. Food? I live within shouting range of a Wal-Mart and a Target. Shelter? The hispanics down the road have built a shed that is apocalypse proof to hide their drugs in. Plus, there are lots of obstacles for the zombies to get past to access the shed such as old broken down cars, rusted rims, and scrap metal. It would shock the hell out of me if zombies got me before tetanus got them.
So what could go wrong? I have everything I need within a three block radius, I’m in good physical condition, and if I find myself in a pinch, I have excellent bartering skills… What if my girlfriend is with me or makes her way to me? Will she be capable of handling herself okay, or will she be a burden?
This article is about how to choose a zombie resilient female companion. Of course, at the core of your relationship should be important values such as love, mutual respect, shared responsibility, and how well she can cook; however, if you’re going to invest your hard earned monies into a ring, you certainly don’t want to get stuck with someone that’s going to put you in the line of fire when the game (being your life) is on the line. The following factors are essential in deciding whether or not she’s a keeper, should the aforementioned speculative events become a certain reality.
In escaping zombies, flexibility is key. You need to be able to fit in spaces tighter than a gnat’s bum in order to make hasty, Indiana Jones type escapes. If she can’t bend down to pick something up off the ground without making that noise your great grandfather makes while trying to pass a stone, she’s going to drag you down and get you caught.
If your girlfriend runs like Maggie Grace in Taken, it’s time to get rid of her anyways because that was the worst acting while running combination my eyes have ever witnessed and she might be mentally handicapped. Shame on you. She needs to be fast— it has not yet been proven what type of speed zombies will posess, and you’ve got to be ready for anything. While I don’t think zombies will have Usain Bolt-like speed, you had better be prepared in case they do. You can’t constantly be looking over your shoulder wondering if your special lady friend is keeping up; you’ve got to look out for yourself as well and be well aware of your surroundings. If she tuckers quickly, you’re putting yourself at risk. You need to trust that your partner will survive and outrun, as this is extremely important in post-zombie-apocalypse repopulation.
How does she handle pressure situations? You don’t someone who will crack, because the deep end can be a long way down. If she goes all bi-polar, you face the possibility of one or multiple the following: she gives your position away, pulls a gun on you, freaks out and lights everything on fire, excessive crying followed by excessive yelling that leads to excessive crying and yelling simultaneously, or even worse, she stops cooking. You need a lady that can multi-task under high-pressure situations, and do it gracefully. The last thing you need to worry about is a freakout in the heat of the moment.
She can be all the pretty you can handle, but that self-proclaimed princess with the ultra-thin body is going to end up getting you in trouble. She’s got to be able to get her hands dirty without worrying about breaking a nail or messing up her perm. There’s going to be gore, violence, nudity, and death running rampant through the streets, and you’ve got to find someone that’s willing to channel that inner chuck-norris and worry about saving humanity rather than how hairy her legs are. And no, there’s not going to be time to shave, so you had better just deal with the fact she’s going to look like a grizzly bear from the waist down. This girl had better have a little muscle and a lot of adrenaline, and be able to put the salon on the backburner. Plus, if you go down with an ankle or leg injury, she has to be able to carry you to safety.
While on the surface this one seems like a no-brainer, all it takes is one simple mistake to unleash the fury of the flesh eaters upon your safe spot. Remember how she never (ever) screws the cap on tightly after she uses milk? Well that cap could just as easily be your door lock, and that door lock could just as easy allow zombies to waltz right on in through your front door and interrupt your daily routine by eating your face off. Find someone who has some consistency in using their brain to get them through the day, and not their looks.
So, where does your female companion rank?
5/5 She is zombie apocalypse ready. You may wish to check her for male genitalia. If test returns negative, quickly purchase a ring.
4/5 She’ll do. Try to implement training activities to keep her sharp and improve in fields as needed.
3/5 She definitely has some work to do, and there may not be enough time. Inquire to see if she has a more capable sister.
2/5 She will be in the first wave of delicious humans to be consumed. Go ahead and call it off at the next available opportunity.
1/5 You really know how to pick them. Let’s assume you were high on bath salt when you picked that delicate flower.
0/5 Check to see if you’re dating Roseanne Barr.
No Girlfriend/Wife You actually may have it figured out. While you’re going to spend the 3-12 months alone riding out the wave of infection, you are solely responsible for yourself, and I respect that in a cowboy-to-cowboy kind of way. If you survive, and can find a single woman post-apocalypse, you know she’s a keeper.